I bought the best pizza in Silicon Valley on Saturday. Not the best in the way some people say, “I just had the best Saturday.” These people don’t know pizza. These people spend Saturdays hiking Alum Rock and talking themselves into gluten allergies. I ate the best pizza on Saturday, during the middle of the day, and I ate all of it. That is the best Saturday.

This wasn’t just an ordinary encounter with a pizza, though. This was a confirmation hearing. For the past five years I have been on a mission to identify the best pizza in Silicon Valley. As a pizza aficionado, I should lay out my track record: I was tutored in the ways of pizza at a young age—my dad refused to share so he just started buying me my own pies. I’ve also apprenticed in pizza joints. First was Mountain Mike’s, with it’s crispy little nickel pepperonis, and then there was Round Table—twice. The second stint came in college. I worked on the line and as a delivery guy. I know every stage of a pizza.

With my resume before you, I’m happy to report we can end the speculation. A Slice of New York, located in a Stevens Creek Boulevard cubbyhole, takes the crown as the best slice in Silicon Valley. Before I go into why, a few notes:

• This is an objective and subjective exercise. There is a saying: “Pizza is like sex—even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.” This is true. But when it’s really good, it’s nirvana.

• I’ve excluded national chains. Pizza Hut is a threat just below climate change and Domino’s recent rebrand is nothing more than crotchless panties on a pig.

• Gourmet pizzas are an abomination. Artichokes and chicken belong on pizza like Bill Paxton needs a fourth nipple. For consistency, we stick with classic pepperoni.

 Deep Dish presents issues I’d rather not discuss. I love Chicago, but anyone who eats pizza with a knife and fork is dead to me.

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