E. Carlson, circa 1999

Celestial Guard Cow stands in front of the Wrigley Building (so much gum) on Michigan Avenue. Mr. Wrigley (1861 - 1932) owned the lovable loser Cubs, as well as the lovable ivy-clad friendly confines of Wrigley Field.

I believe the team name "Cubs" is a bit wimpy, and should be changed to something more threatening, like "Malamutes." A change to an all black uniform wouldn't hurt either. Also, players should be encouraged to acquire "barbed wire" tattoos, and to scream like professional wrestlers at their opponents.

Mr. Wrigley started out life as a traveling soap salesman at age 13. He later switched to gum. He introduced spearmint flavor in 1899, a first step towards immortality. He later bought the island of Catalina and turned it into a vacation resort. The cute lil' cubbies used to have spring training there.